I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
