I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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