At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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