if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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