Can i not drive my cunt home
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
