hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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