dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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