I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
