im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
