god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
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there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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