I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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