After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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