I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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