you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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