I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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