i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
