i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
