M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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