I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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