life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
