I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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