I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize