I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i will never coherently bang her
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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