I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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