How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
