I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
