I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
