You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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