I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
