Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
