I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
