You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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