I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
