please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it glows. i had to have it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
