you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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