You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Randomize