nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
