Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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