the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
