She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
