Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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