i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
