Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
