My Higher Power is John Stamos
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
