you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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