the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
