im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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