Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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