Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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