Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
