Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
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he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
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Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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