I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
