hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
