I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
