I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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